After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Jokes
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Ghilliegumdrop
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Re: Jokes
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!
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Ghilliegumdrop
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Re: Jokes
One for the guys... If you close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and rub one of your testicles in the other,it's difficult to tell the difference.
ps...It also gets you banned from Aldis! T
ps...It also gets you banned from Aldis! T
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!
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Ghilliegumdrop
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Re: Jokes
Politicians are like sperm, one in a million might become human 
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!
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Ghilliegumdrop
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- Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:12 am
- Dogs: Ghillie and Merlin
- Location: Herts
Re: Jokes
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.”
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.”
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!
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Ghilliegumdrop
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- Dogs: Ghillie and Merlin
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Re: Jokes
had this in an email and thought I would share with you lol
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again,
asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and "hang out with the guys."
I did this and when I got home last night,
I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again,
asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and "hang out with the guys."
I did this and when I got home last night,
I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!
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Ghilliegumdrop
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Re: Jokes
Hee-hee
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!
To which Bessie replies, "Should a bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!
To which Bessie replies, "Should a bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!
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Ghilliegumdrop
- Member
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- Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:12 am
- Dogs: Ghillie and Merlin
- Location: Herts
Re: Jokes
One for Bill.
Two jocks are out hunting grouse,shotguns
over their shoulders.
" hey jock , why aren't you wearing your ear protection ?"
" had an accident last week , jimmy "
"whit happened ?"
" some fella offered me a whisky an' a didnae' hear him "
Two jocks are out hunting grouse,shotguns
over their shoulders.
" hey jock , why aren't you wearing your ear protection ?"
" had an accident last week , jimmy "
"whit happened ?"
" some fella offered me a whisky an' a didnae' hear him "
Me, Ghillie the Champion, Merlin the Mad. Brittanys were bred as poachers dogs.....They were an extension of the old rogue's arm, trained to look innocent and unprepossessing, all the time plotting, thinking, scheming to make game!