Jokes
Re: Jokes
Islay declares war on Britain
ISLAY DECLARES WAR ON BRITAIN
David Cameron was in Downing St, when his phone rang.
“Hello prime minister,” a heavily accented Islay voice said, “this is Lucci speaking over here in the Bowmore bar, Islay, we are sick of high petrol prices, food prices, and I do not like a lot of your policies, so I am calling to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you”.
“Well then,” David replied. “This is indeed important, how big is your army?”
“Right now”, said Lucci after a moments calculation “There is myself, big brother Alistair, Donkey, my next door neighbour, and all of the bar staff”.
David paused, “I must tell you Lucci I have 70,000 men in my army, waiting to move on my command”.
“Wow”, said Lucci, “I will have to call you back”.
Sure enough, the next day Lucci called again.
“Mr Cameron, the war is still on, we have managed to acquire some infantry equipment”
“And what equipment would that be?” David asked.
“Well sir, we got two combines, a bulldozer, three big tractors, and two Clydesdales”. The prime minister sighed “I must tell you Lucci that I have 3,000 tanks and 1,200 personnel carriers, also I have increased my army to 100,000 since we last spoke”.
“All right,” said Lucci “I’ll be getting back to you”.
Sure enough, Lucci rang again the next day.
“Mr Cameron, the war is still on. Duncan McGillivray has made us a helicopter out of old machinery from Bruichladddich, and we’ve put a couple of shotguns in the cockpit. Also, Tosh Philco and the bar staff from Duffie’s have joined us”.
David was silent for a minute, then cleared his throat.
“I must tell you, Lucci, that I have 500 bombers and 200 fighter planes, and since we spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000 men”.
“2,000,000 you say” said Lucci, “I’ll have to call you back”.
Sure enough, Lucci called back the next day. “Mr Cameron, I’m sorry to have to tell you we have had to call off this war”.
“I’m sorry to hear that”, said David. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well”, said Lucci, “we sat down over a few beers and a few drams into the wee hours of the morning, and came to the conclusion that there’s no way we could feed 2,000,000 prisoners”.
ISLAY DECLARES WAR ON BRITAIN
David Cameron was in Downing St, when his phone rang.
“Hello prime minister,” a heavily accented Islay voice said, “this is Lucci speaking over here in the Bowmore bar, Islay, we are sick of high petrol prices, food prices, and I do not like a lot of your policies, so I am calling to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you”.
“Well then,” David replied. “This is indeed important, how big is your army?”
“Right now”, said Lucci after a moments calculation “There is myself, big brother Alistair, Donkey, my next door neighbour, and all of the bar staff”.
David paused, “I must tell you Lucci I have 70,000 men in my army, waiting to move on my command”.
“Wow”, said Lucci, “I will have to call you back”.
Sure enough, the next day Lucci called again.
“Mr Cameron, the war is still on, we have managed to acquire some infantry equipment”
“And what equipment would that be?” David asked.
“Well sir, we got two combines, a bulldozer, three big tractors, and two Clydesdales”. The prime minister sighed “I must tell you Lucci that I have 3,000 tanks and 1,200 personnel carriers, also I have increased my army to 100,000 since we last spoke”.
“All right,” said Lucci “I’ll be getting back to you”.
Sure enough, Lucci rang again the next day.
“Mr Cameron, the war is still on. Duncan McGillivray has made us a helicopter out of old machinery from Bruichladddich, and we’ve put a couple of shotguns in the cockpit. Also, Tosh Philco and the bar staff from Duffie’s have joined us”.
David was silent for a minute, then cleared his throat.
“I must tell you, Lucci, that I have 500 bombers and 200 fighter planes, and since we spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000 men”.
“2,000,000 you say” said Lucci, “I’ll have to call you back”.
Sure enough, Lucci called back the next day. “Mr Cameron, I’m sorry to have to tell you we have had to call off this war”.
“I’m sorry to hear that”, said David. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well”, said Lucci, “we sat down over a few beers and a few drams into the wee hours of the morning, and came to the conclusion that there’s no way we could feed 2,000,000 prisoners”.
Re: Jokes
Man goes to doctor and says doctor I think there's something wrong with me , my wife says our sex life is not the same anymore .doctor looks at the man and says what age are you , man replies I'm 85 and my wife is 83 , doctor asks when did u first notice anything wrong , man says twice last night and once this morning
Re: Jokes
It was raining hard and a puddle had formed in front of the little Scottish pub.
An old Scotsman stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap" thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
"And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth"
An old Scotsman stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap" thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
"And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth"
In life, it is important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong.
Re: Jokes
Three generations of prostitute sitting at home discusing the current state of their age old profession, the mother sex worker asked her daughter how much she gets from her clients for oral sex?!
"Fifty pounds" replies the daughter.
"Fifty quid!!" Exclaimed her mother, "when I was your age I was getting a fiver! Even now I only charge twenty pounds"
The recently retired grandmother piped up, " five pounds, twenty pounds, fifty pounds!! You girls don't know you're born, during the war, I was just greatfull to have something warm inside me!!!!"
Ermmmmmm......... I'll get my coat!
"Fifty pounds" replies the daughter.
"Fifty quid!!" Exclaimed her mother, "when I was your age I was getting a fiver! Even now I only charge twenty pounds"
The recently retired grandmother piped up, " five pounds, twenty pounds, fifty pounds!! You girls don't know you're born, during the war, I was just greatfull to have something warm inside me!!!!"
Ermmmmmm......... I'll get my coat!