Jokes

[Eric Morecambe]

I spent some time by the wife's grave today.

She doesn't know, she thinks i'm digging a pond...

[Eric Morecambe]

I say, I say, I say ....
I was stopped by police today with 12 chimps in me van .
Policeman tells me I should take them to the zoo ..

The following day I was stopped again and the policeman says "I told you too take those chimps to the zoo !"
I said "I did, im taking them to the pictures today"

[winniebob]

The true story of the 3 bear!!
.



A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET

just read this.............class!!

[Judy]

I don't see anything funny in that ~ its normal for this house???

[Eric Morecambe]

I bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Eric, but I have some bad news - the donkey's died.'
I replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
I said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
I said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
I said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with me and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
I said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
I said , 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

[LEGGER]

A man comes home early from work one day a finds his wife in bed with another man, the husband grabs the man and drags him outside to the garden shed, puts his willy in a vice , tightens it up and removes the handle, then places a saw on the work bench.

You're not going to cut my willy off are you? asks the man

No replies the husband you are, i'm going to set fire to the shed!!

[Eric Morecambe]

I am passing this on to you guys because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving for work this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u bluoddy luvum.!!

[Judy]

One for Wullie!


An old guy was in Tesco's the other day pushing his cart around when he collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

Old guy said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

Old guy said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that!!!

[trekmoor]

It's only by chance that I read this .......... but I like it !

Wullie

[DangerousDave]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8.. Jack Russell Terrier : I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don' t see a light bulb!

10.. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

12. Greyhound/Saluki: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Heeler/Australian Cattle Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!