Jokes

[Rascal]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the Activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed Her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ...

'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the Nephew......












'Ba**ards won't let me fart!'

Just for Judy!

[Judy]

Blonde Payment Plan.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellllloooooo
just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!

[Eric Morecambe]

On my wedding night I stumbled to my hotel bedroom, and there she was, my new bride lying naked, legs spread on the bed ...

She said "You know what I want Eric" ?

I said "ALL the bloody bed by the look of it!"

[Eric Morecambe]

Ernie said to me "Set the alarm for 5 in the morning !"

I said "Don't be stupid, there's only 2 of us !"

[silverstar]

Farmer gets a call from his son; Dad I've just run over a pig with the tractor and
he's still alive.

Farmer; Well shoot it and bury it.

Half an hour later the son calls back; Dad...I've done that. Now what shall I do with his motorbike and speed camera?

[Eric Morecambe]

I remember one Christmas I got a bike .
So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.
'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

[_Taff]

haha I liked the one with the pig and bury it fast

[rewster68]

I apologise in advance.

A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything apart from Stella, the barman says,
" why not Stella "
"well last night i drank 12 pints of it and when i woke up this morning i was F***ING SKINT!
"sir in here all drinks are the same price so you need not to worry about Stella" the barman replies,
the man says,
"no no you don't understand SKINT is the name of my dog.

Goodnight.
Rewster

[LEGGER]

Just got a letter from my daughters school
The class was asked it they could make a common farmyard noise

Apparently GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY YARD YOU THEAVING PIKEY BA*TARDS was'nt what the teacher ment!

[Paul Bishopp]

Topical one this :
What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne ?
A waiter