The Hotel Bill
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from UK performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
Jokes
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scottishquine
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- Location: Moray, Scotland
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Eric Morecambe
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- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
Ernie and I went on a Scuba Diving trip. Whilst on the Boat, Ernie asked me why the Scuba Divers fall off the boats backwards?
I said 'Ernie, Ernie, Ernie .. If they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!'
I said 'Ernie, Ernie, Ernie .. If they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!'
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
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Eric Morecambe
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- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
Bought Ernie a new wig made out of 100% anal hair!
He keeps complaining that it keeps blowing off!
He keeps complaining that it keeps blowing off!
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
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Eric Morecambe
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- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
Tommy, Me and Ernie all used to work for a boss who always went home early.
One day Ernie says 'Let's go home early, he'll never know'
So we all leave just after the boss. Ernie goes to the bookies, I went to the pub, and Tommy goes home to find his wife having sex with his boss.
Next day Ernie and I said said 'That was great, shall we do it again'
'Not bloody likely' says Tommy 'I nearly got caught'!
One day Ernie says 'Let's go home early, he'll never know'
So we all leave just after the boss. Ernie goes to the bookies, I went to the pub, and Tommy goes home to find his wife having sex with his boss.
Next day Ernie and I said said 'That was great, shall we do it again'
'Not bloody likely' says Tommy 'I nearly got caught'!
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Irish bailout
The Irish Bailout - how it works
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the same €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a bailout package works.
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the same €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a bailout package works.
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