Jokes

[Eric Morecambe]

A chap in a Tractor has just driven past Ernie and I, shouting "The end of the world is nigh !!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon ....

[taz]

Some one sent me this today.

Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate or food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine or bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear dogs, I have posted the following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Dogs --

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their fur on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs are better than kids .. they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

[kelco]

Guy in court for murder.

The judge says"you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer"
A voice at the back of the court room shouts "YOU BASTARD!!"
"Silence in the court room!!" exclaims the judge."You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer"
The voice shouts out again"YOU DIRTY ROTTON BASTARD!!!"
The Judge shouts"You There at the back.We cannot have outburts like that it a court of Law.What is your relationship to the accused?"

The man stands up at the back of the court and says."your honour.I have lived next door to the accused for the last 20 years........................................................................................................................................................................................................................



.
.
.
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and nay time I asked to borrow a hammer he said that he didnt have one!!!!!!"

[t jack]

Guess where this is ?














And just to make you smile ...




Viagra's Head Office in Toronto ( Canada )
Seriously, it is !!!

[Rascal]

Martin and Sarah decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

[Canburne]

[Judy]

Brilliant!!

Judy

[trekmoor]

I liked the Viagra horticulture !

Wullie

[Debs]

Canburne,
Great April Fools.
Rascal,
I was at work when I read this & on hearing me laughing,I had to read it to my colleagues.We were all crying.I love it...
Deb

[Hepe]

Mrs Brown Gets A Bikini Wax, sounds exciting, doesn't it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5 ... r_embedded

Helene