Jokes

[Eric Morecambe]

I just bet on 3 horses called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times and none of them won ...

Tell you what ... I blame it on the Bookie

We need a Tumbleweed smilie

As requested

[Eric Morecambe]

My missus came home tonight and found me in bed with another woman. She said, "Who the hell is she?"

I replied, "Don't bloody start. It'll be bad enough trying to explain to her who you are."

[cjaus]

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Aaaaaahhhhh....Thats better

[Eric Morecambe]

A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day & said, "My dog tells me you're on drugs"

"ME, ON DRUGS!" I said, you're the one with the talking dog pal!

[Judy]

Now we have the tumble weed can we have some funny jokes on here please?

[LEGGER]

Due to the credit crunch i'm now shopping in cheaper supermarkets

I brought some of the korean meatballs from Lidl's the other day

WOW i'm telling you they really are the dogs bol##cks.

[LEGGER]

Q; Why is Kate Middeltons sister like a J K Rowling book ?

A; Because you know before long Harry will be in it.

[Rascal]

Little Johnny...............

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

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One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running? Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir. Who? asks the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.

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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

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One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water
hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been
there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

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Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."

Did you copy hers?, she asked.

Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

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The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, his mother called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

[Rascal]

Family Traditions:-


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake
like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in……….
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December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip stick!

Guess it must be Friday................

[Eric Morecambe]

At the evening do, Harry says to Wills "Great day brother. Have you seen Dad?"

William replies "No, but mines dancing with Camilla"