Jokes

[Bamburi]

[cjaus]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:


The DNA all matches & There are no dental records

[Eric Morecambe]

Myself, Ernie & Tommy were first year medical students attending our first anatomy class. We gathered around a surgery table ... where on it was a dead tramp !
Professor says ... "The first quality is NEVER BE DISGUSTED REGARDING ANYTHING ABOUT THE BODY"
The Professor inserts his finger in the tramp's ass & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.
Me, Ernie and Tommy looked at each other and heaved aaargggh. Then he said to the class to do the same.
We all hesitated for several mins, but eventually Tommy inserted his finger in the tramp's arse & then tasted it !
When Tommy finished, the Professor looked at him and said: The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION, I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger.
Now learn to pay attention !

[LEGGER]

I was thinking of getting myself a lab but

have you seen how many of their owners go blind

[Judy]

Yeah! But have you seen how many Spaniel owners there are limping around 'cos they've fallen over their dogs?

[joframe]

This had me in stitches - I thought I'd share.....!

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,............ 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

[HeidiK]

I've only read as far as p20, so apologies if this has been posted before...

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car
salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1,
enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw
a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,
then 140 then 160mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and
said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you
can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman

[LEGGER]

Just had a really embarrising phone conversation,

Apparently screwfix IS NOT a dating agency.

[kron]

This had me in stitches - I thought I'd share.....!

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,............ 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

[Eric Morecambe]

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to make love to you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.

She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'..

For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan ...