Jokes

[Callthatagundog]

Heard this on the run up to the election but seems even more appropriate now......

An MP dies and goes up to heaven. He is met at the gates by St Peter who offers him the choice between spending eternity in heaven or hell. The MP thinks for a minute and then says " Well, I always fancied heaven but....." St Peter replies by saying that they get very few MPs so orders from above are that they are given 24 hours in Hell then 24 hours in Heaven and then a decision is made.

Accordingly St Peter takes the MP onto the escalator going down, down, down, to Hell. They reach the bottom and Lo! In front of the MP are all his friends, dressed in all their finest clothing. They are stood on the finest golf course the MP had ever seen. They play a fantastic round then go to the club house where there is fine food, wonderful music and all you can drink. The devil makes an appearance and is a totally great chap, laughing and dancing and generally having a great time. Before the MP can believe it, St Peter appears and tells him that his 24 hours are up and he must now go to heaven.

Well, the MP is disappointed but he has a lovely time in heaven, meets some great people and flits from cloud to cloud and all too soon St Peter appears to tell him the 24 hours is up and he now had to make a choice. The MP thinks for a moment and then, slightly embarrassed, confesses that Hell seemed the best option. St Peter escorts him to the escalator where they go down, down, down to hell.

When they reach the bottom the MP sees all his friends dressed in rags, munging through a rubbish dump, filthy, starving and crying out to him. The devil is also there to meet him. The MP turns to the devil and says "I don't understand, when I was here last it was wonderful and all my friends were having a great time. What has happened?" The devil through his arm around him and said........

"Yesterday we were campaigning ......

TODAY YOU VOTED"

[lee_h]

Read this earlier made me chuckle

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and
have little to do, on impulse I told her that . . . .
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
added that I probably shouldn't, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to
say.

[Rascal]

The Hormone Guide - Women already understand this, men should memorise it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

What's for dinner? = Dangerous
Can I help you with dinner? =Safer
Where would you like to go for dinner? = Safest
Here, have some wine. = Ultra Safe

Are you wearing that? = Dangerous
Wow, you sure look good in brown! = Safer
WOW! Look at you! = Safest
Here, have some wine = Ultra Safe

What are you so worked up about?= Dangerous
Could we be overreacting? = Safer
Here's my paycheck. = Safest
Here, have some wine. = Ultra safe

Should you be eating that? = Dangerous
You know, there are a lot of apples left. = Safer
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? = Safest
Here, have some wine. = Ultra Safe

What did you DO all day? = Dangerous
I hope you didn't over-do it today.= Safer
I've always loved you in that robe! = Safest
Here, have some wine.= Ultra safe

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and last but not least my very favourite one :-

13. Potential Murder Suspect!

Rascal

[shamykebab]

Hahaha that's BRILLIANT! Spot on!

"What's for dinner?" is just plain suicidal in my books.

[trekmoor]

Surely you're not that bad a cook ?

Wullie

[Judy]

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. ;You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons, unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

[shanagan]

I seem to remember a saying about older women it went something like :-
They dont swell.
they dont tell.
they %£"% like hell.
and. They are grateful as well !!!!

[trekmoor]

There may be many a good tune played on an old fiddle but I'd still trade in a 60 for three 20's !

One lives in hope if not in expectation !

P.S. - Please don't shop me to The Soup Dragon, I still quite like living !

Wullie

[t jack]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

[trekmoor]

I first heard that one about 40 years ago but it's still quite funny !

Wullie