Jokes

[Rascal]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

A Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Rascal

[Ghilliegumdrop]

I take it that's a true story Rascal

[taz]

I bought a dog from a Blacksmith once, as soon as i got him home, he made a bolt for the door...........

[Eric Morecambe]

Do you know what ...
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

[Eric Morecambe]

I read a book on helium once ....

I couldn't put it down ...

[Eric Morecambe]

I had my doubts about Mrs Morecambe, so a few weeks ago I hired a Chinese Private Investigator called Chen Lee, to watch my wife.

A few days later I get this report:
To Eric,

I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee. Chen Lee. Weely Sollee.

[Judy]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently I'm still lost.....

[Eric Morecambe]

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet ...
You can't sing while playing a clarinet ...

[Eric Morecambe]

Ernie was on his final question for a Million with Chris Tarrant, and he only had one life line left …

Phone a friend.

“Which bird does not make a nest”
Is it A= Sparrow, B= Swallow, C= Blackbird or D= Cuckoo'
Ernie calls me ...
I answer the phone “Wey hey Ernie its a cuckoo 100%.”
Ernie wins the Million. Afterwards Ernie rings me “How the hell did you know that Eric?”....
I said “Come on Ernie, it lives in a bloody clock you twit'

[Eric Morecambe]

Do you know what ...
I went to see my local Farmer the other day and I caught him in his big machinery barn, doing a striptease ...
"What the hells going on Farmer!?" I said
"Arr, Eric!" replies the Farmer, looking quite embarrassed."Thing is, Mrs farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."