My dishwasher broke down, so I called a repairman.
When he finally came round, I had to go out, so I told him, "Don't worry about my Bulldog, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
As he starts work, he was wary of the biggest, meanest looking Bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the f**k up, ya annoyin' b*****d!"
Parrot replies, "GET HIM SPIKE!!"
Jokes
-
Eric Morecambe
- Member
- Posts: 105
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Re: Jokes
Milking The Cow -
> >>
> >>
> >> > A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
> >> >
> >> > Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
> >> > to
> >> > test it on himself first.
> >> >
> >> > So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
> >> > and
> >> > everything else was automatic.
> >> >
> >> > Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
> >> > pleasure
> >> > than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized
> >> > that
> >> > he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..
> >> >
> >> > He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
> >> > disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
> >> > without success.
> >> >
> >> > Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
> >> > with
> >> > his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
> >> >
> >> > 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
> >> > fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
> >> >
> >> > 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
> >> > release
> >> > automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
> >> >
> >> > Have a nice day.....
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> > A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
> >> >
> >> > Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
> >> > to
> >> > test it on himself first.
> >> >
> >> > So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
> >> > and
> >> > everything else was automatic.
> >> >
> >> > Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
> >> > pleasure
> >> > than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized
> >> > that
> >> > he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..
> >> >
> >> > He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
> >> > disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
> >> > without success.
> >> >
> >> > Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
> >> > with
> >> > his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
> >> >
> >> > 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
> >> > fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
> >> >
> >> > 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
> >> > release
> >> > automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
> >> >
> >> > Have a nice day.....
> >>
Re: Jokes
A tough looking group of bikers were riding by when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
The biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
The biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl......"
Anything I have posted on this forum is my copyright - I will not unreasonably withold permission to cross post but please just have the courtesy to ask first
Re: Jokes
This dropped in my inbox thought I'd share it....
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird strike collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Defrost the chicken."
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird strike collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Defrost the chicken."
General Dogsbody
-
Eric Morecambe
- Member
- Posts: 105
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
For bloody hell sake, what a mess to sort out !!
I cant believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up ...
The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to give her one !!
I cant believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up ...
The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to give her one !!
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
-
Eric Morecambe
- Member
- Posts: 105
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
Ernie and I just back from Margate, what a bloody rough-house, never going back.
Down on the seafront we saw a man and a woman having a right barny until the woman
smacked the man in the mouth and they started fighting. Then a copper showed up,
but instead of trying to calm it down, he smacked the bloke with his truncheon!
In the end, the man got it off him, and started bashing the cop AND his wife! .
. . . . . . . . Then a crocodile came and stole all the sausages!
"Wey Hey"
Down on the seafront we saw a man and a woman having a right barny until the woman
smacked the man in the mouth and they started fighting. Then a copper showed up,
but instead of trying to calm it down, he smacked the bloke with his truncheon!
In the end, the man got it off him, and started bashing the cop AND his wife! .
. . . . . . . . Then a crocodile came and stole all the sausages!
"Wey Hey"
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Dictionary definitions
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In life, it is important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong.
Re: Jokes
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.....
In life, it is important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong.