I got sacked from our local paper being an Agony Aunt
Dear Eric,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair
had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps, Eric.
Jokes
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Eric Morecambe
- Member
- Posts: 105
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
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susan.doglover
Re: Jokes
How many dogs does it take to......
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Re: Jokes
A Ferbane couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African black bush tribe whose men all had private parts that were 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
Private part and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
Looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
Procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his special something.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
Experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black
African black bush tribe whose men all had private parts that were 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
Private part and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
Looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
Procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his special something.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
Experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black
Re: Jokes
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day..' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms
staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally
said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day..' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms
staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally
said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!
Re: Jokes
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
When will you guys learn not to mess with women, you wont win!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
When will you guys learn not to mess with women, you wont win!
In life, it is important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong.
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Eric Morecambe
- Member
- Posts: 105
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
Ernie myself and Tommy were doing a psychiatry lesson.
Ernie was asked whats the opposite of Joy, Ernie said 'Sorrow'.
I was asked whats the opposite of Depression, and I said 'Happiness'.
Tommy was asked whats the opposite of Woe, he replied 'GIDDY UP'.
Ernie was asked whats the opposite of Joy, Ernie said 'Sorrow'.
I was asked whats the opposite of Depression, and I said 'Happiness'.
Tommy was asked whats the opposite of Woe, he replied 'GIDDY UP'.
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
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Eric Morecambe
- Member
- Posts: 105
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:43 am
- Dogs: OZZY
- Location: South West down by the seaside ...
Re: Jokes
I was in the pub with the wife last night, and I said, "I love you."
She said, " Eric is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It's me, talking to the beer."
She said, " Eric is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It's me, talking to the beer."
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Re: Jokes
CONQUER THE SCOTS...
Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.
He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,
There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'
Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
'Ya English diddies!' he yells. ‘Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!'
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'
The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.
'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!'
Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.
His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.
'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells.
Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill, covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.
'It's a trap!!!
There's fucken two of them!!!'
Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.
He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,
There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'
Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
'Ya English diddies!' he yells. ‘Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!'
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'
The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.
'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!'
Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.
His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.
'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells.
Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill, covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.
'It's a trap!!!
There's fucken two of them!!!'
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trekmoor
- Member
- Posts: 16074
- Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:38 am
- Dogs: Too many and not enough !
- Location: Central Scotland
Re: Jokes
Heard that one 30 years ago but it's still funny ! 
Wullie
Wullie
If at first you don't succeed .....find out if there is a booby prize !
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Don't do what doesn't work - do what does.
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Don't do what doesn't work - do what does.
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