Jokes

[mustogirl]

SALFORD EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the Richter scale hit Salford last Wednesday morning. The epicentre was in the Ordsall area.
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly uttering “Bang out of order, mental and sorted” The earthquake decimated the area causing damage to be in the excess of £17.55. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historical importance (formerly used for storage of burned out cars) were totally destroyed. Many of the Ordsall locals were woken up before their giro’s had arrived.
One resident Kylie Sharon Smith a fifteen year old mother of four said “it was such a fuckin shock. I wondered what the f**k it was. Little Chardonnay, Destiny and Brooklyn came runnin into my bedroom, my hands were shakin that much I could hardly skin up”.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 400 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to aid the crisis; unfortunately looters highjacked the wagon when it entered the area. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble in the hope of recovering some of the Elizabeth Duke sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments said to have been lost in the devastation.

WE NEED YOUR HELP

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing for those unfortunate enough to be caught in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Reebok trainers. Food parcels are also required. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi beans, Monster Munch and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially
White Lightening Cider, and Special Brew. Cash donations are more than welcome, 22p buys a signing on biro, £2.50 buys a jumbo sausage and chips, £20.00 buys a bent MOT and £16.00 will buy 200 Embassy Regal from the back of Tommo’s van

YOUR HELP IS MUCH APPRECIATED

[cjaus]

Nicking that for my Facebook

[mustogirl]

Nicking that for my Facebook

i noticed! No problem!

[cjaus]

Nicking that for my Facebook

i noticed! No problem!

[Eric Morecambe]

eBay is fantastic ...

Just sold my homing pigeon for the 10th time this month !!

Wey Hey !!

[Hepe]

[johnny p]

Jamie Oliver can feed a family of four for a fiver at Sainsburys

Antony Worrall Thompson can feed a family of four from Tescos for nothing

[johnny p]

Why did the chicken cross the road

Cos Antony Worrall Thompson had it stuffed up his jumper

[Everything's Rosie]

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

[mustogirl]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year in New York City, American scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. The New York Times reported that the scientists had come to the conclusion that American ancestors already had an advanced telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Americans, in the weeks that followed, an Egyptian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, a story in the Cairo Daily News read: "Egyptian archaeologists report finding 200 year old copper wire. They have concluded that our Egyptian ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Americans."

One week later, the Irish Times newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a vacant lot just outside of Dublin, Paddy Murphy, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless!"