Jokes

[Judy]

One for the olds, sorry Wullie!

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday! ”

Live each day as if there is no tomorrow

[rewster68]

My girl friend thinks that I am a stalker,
well she's not my girlfriend yet.

[Rascal]

These dropped into my inbox today, they cheered me up.....


Irish Sugar Test.....

One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh thank feck for that," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come and get my urine tested for sugar."

**********************************************************************************************************

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.


He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.


The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.


She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Rascal

[Megsdad]

Lol at the gunpowder joke!

[newf]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Newfie had decided to go on a hunting trip and were staying in a cabin in the woods. They decided to go hunting one at a time, while the other two stayed and guarded the cabin. The Irishman goes out first and comes back with a fox. He says, very simply, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch fox.". Then the Englishman goes out and comes back with a rabbit. He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch rabbit.". Then it was the Newfie's turn. He goes out and comes back limping and badly beaten up. He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train."

[Megsdad]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say,“We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”



Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…. then the electricity goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

[Stihl 090]

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo
wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...


.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


And you do, don't you!!!

[Blanco]

Best Friend

A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."

The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.

"what is the problem?" asked the knight.

His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."

[Blanco]

Lawsuit

A recent article in a Florida newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Miami hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

[HeidiK]

Reading this was just like having a conversation with one of my friends/neighbours!

[quote="Stihl 090"]By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ... "