Jokes

[Ghilliegumdrop]

Can we also have a section for funnies and jokes Bill knows some real crackers most centering round Big U

[taz]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .





It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?










She says:


'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Ghilliegumdrop]

Thats as bad as the picture of Sean Bean

[ash]

I ran that by my OH last night to be met with groans and eye rolling

He explained that the only reason he continued to listen was that I was clearly enjoying it.

TJ

[Paul Bishopp]

A chap is caught by a policeman as he climbs over a gate and loads his car boot with turnips.
Where did you get those asks the policeman. In that field says the chap.
So you stole them says the policeman.Well theres thousands says the chap.
The policeman says well I shall have to arrest you.
The poor chap goes to court and as he is a bit of a dim sort of bloke the judge took pity on him.
He got 3 weeks in prison.
In his cell is another inmate.How long you in here for says the turnip taker?
12 years says the cellmate.
What for ?
Rape
Bugger - how many acres did you nick?

[Greyghost]

Man gets pulled over by the police.
"Excuse me sir but did you know your wife fell out of your car about a mile back?"
"Thank goodness for that" replied the man "I thought I had gone deaf"

[Paul Bishopp]

Nice one Lesley - will have to tell that at the shoot Saturday.

[taz]

I was at the Cashpoint the other day, when a Blind lady asked me if i would check her balance,

so i pushed her, she wobbled a bit ,but didnt fall over, so i told her her balance was okay !!

[taz]

A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[taz]

Thought I was being clever wrapping all my Christmas presents early this year, until I noticed the paper I had used said "Happy Birthday" on it,
rather than going to the trouble of re-wrapping all the gifts, I just added the word Jesus in marker pen !!