Jokes
Re: Jokes
Kentish Man or Man of Kent - I believe a Kentish Man is born west of the Medway. Right or wrong????
Anything I have posted on this forum is my copyright - I will not unreasonably withold permission to cross post but please just have the courtesy to ask first
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Vicky&Phil
- Member
- Posts: 458
- Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2008 11:49 pm
- Dogs: Jake (WCS)
- Location: Dorset
Re: Jokes
Judys not a man is she??!!No good asking Judy, she's too busy shovelling snow and arguing with snowplough drivers.
Vicky
I smile because I have no idea what is happening.....
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taz
- Member
- Posts: 218
- Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 4:45 pm
- Dogs: Bracchi, Cocker,Vizsla
- Location: Manchester
- Contact:
And God created dog
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets:
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail..
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . .
And Dog was happy. . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other...
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail..
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . .
And Dog was happy. . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other...
Bracco Italiano.....think that's Italian for "i'll test your patience to the limit" !!
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taz
- Member
- Posts: 218
- Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 4:45 pm
- Dogs: Bracchi, Cocker,Vizsla
- Location: Manchester
- Contact:
Re: Jokes
Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council
complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore..
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.
A Spot of British Humor
as reported in the newpaper...
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
_____
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
_____
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
_____
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
____
A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their
passengers..
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
_____
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore..
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.
A Spot of British Humor
as reported in the newpaper...
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
_____
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
_____
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
_____
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
____
A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their
passengers..
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
_____
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
Bracco Italiano.....think that's Italian for "i'll test your patience to the limit" !!
Re: Jokes
PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
15. A backward poet writes inverse.
16. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
15. A backward poet writes inverse.
16. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
In life, it is important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong.
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trekmoor
- Member
- Posts: 16074
- Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:38 am
- Dogs: Too many and not enough !
- Location: Central Scotland
Re: Jokes
Wummin are bonkers.
Wullie
Wullie
If at first you don't succeed .....find out if there is a booby prize !
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Don't do what doesn't work - do what does.
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Don't do what doesn't work - do what does.
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AJJ
Re: Jokes
Two old boys were putting out at the "Road Hole" when a hearse and cortege drove slowly past them. One of the old boys doffed his cap and bowed his head as the procession drove past. His mate said, " that was very respectful " He replied " It's the least I could do, I was married to her for 45 years" 
Cheers
Andy
Cheers
Andy